Can you tell this story scares me? I swore I’d never write Canon for this very reason, it’s one thing to borrow the names and create your own world (more or less with AU) but this is a whole other ball game, and it terrifies me! So, I’m taking it a bit at a time until I figure out where it’s going! If you’re giving this a shot, I THANK YOU SO MUCH you brave soul you!
I sensed her before I saw her, and my whole body tensed at the idea of being around her again. Tensed in the best way possible, I was nervous, I was almost excited. But then I recalled my last conversation with her, and all thoughts of joy soon evaporated. Instead, I steeled myself to remain as composed as possible when I had to face her. I had known she’d show up, eventually, the aftermath of the turning at her home not something she could easily ignore. I had expected her sooner, and I had expected her to come alone. But, the one thing I knew about Sookie Stackhouse was to expect…the unexpected. When she walked through the door I could feel her pain, her nerves and her temper all raise, which only got worse the more I ignored her. I ignored her, not to be cruel as she probably thought, but for my own good more than anything else, I need to not let my emotions betray me, but since I’d connected with Sookie… around her those bastard emotions behaved like Judas, forever betraying me.
So I just ignored her as best I could, in the hopes of keeping the situation as tranquil as possible, I’d had enough theatrics to last me several life times in the previous weeks and I wanted to break the chain, so to speak. It wasn’t easy, remaining detached from someone that in just a handful of days, I’d found myself unbelievably attached to, but I had other concerns, once that had to take president. Like Tara, and Pam for example. I had wanted my child to sire another, I had hoped it would give her purpose and direction of her own.But Tara was still a risk and while she was turned against her will by a maker less than thrilled, she was one of us, and thus had to be protected. I had thought that being a maker would be good for Pam, a job that required more than just ordering copious amounts of shoes on my credit card. However, turning Tara was the last thing on the list, had such a list existed, and in the manner she was turned… was less than perfect for everyone involved. I had a newborn, my child in training to be a successful maker, and I also had the Authority breathing down my neck ( or not breathing as the case may be) and it was all shaping up to be a little too much to deal with. But on top of all that there was Sookie, there was always Sookie. For the past year and a half, there was always Sookie. Always on my mind, even when she was the last thing I wanted or needed to think about, there she was tormenting me. The attraction that I felt for Sookie was always there. Right from the moment I saw her on the arm of the most boring and incompetent vampire I knew, glowing in her little white dress, smelling like the sun, smelling like life. I knew I wanted her of course, she was the opposite of what I was being offered on a nightly basis, exotic in a sense. But then, it quickly went beyond simple desirability. I’d had my share of beautiful women in my living and un-dead life, her physical beauty was just one element of that attraction, and, over time, I began to realize the other aspects that attracted me more. Her fire for example was one I recognised within my own self, that desire to live, the desire to grow, and the desire to kick as much ass while doing so. She had it in her, but certain things around her repressed her true nature and that disappointed me to see. Bill for example, it was clear Bill from the beginning was up to something unsavoury where Sookie was concerned, it just took a great deal of time to find out exactly what it was – besides holding her back from her true potential and attempting to fit her into a mould in which he thought appropriate. One he was a master at moulding himself into, truth be told. She had been highly manipulated by Bill, to the point where she forgave him for something that in reality I had to wonder if she fully grasped, or of she was simply doing what she’d always done, and buried it away, made it into something it wasn’t so she could accept it? I wasn’t sure, but I had a curiosity and needed to know more, always wanting more where she was concerned, even if she didn’t think herself capable of ‘more’. She was so much more than Bill, or her friends or her fool of a brother thought her to be, I could see it from the beginning, that fire, that spark in her, that strength. It angered me that others only saw fit to molly coddle and treat her as if she were made of glass, when in reality she housed the heart of a warrior and some ability of the Fae, and given the right resources, she could be simply spectacular.
I sighed, as I sat on the edge of my desk, reading through the file with Sookie’s name on it, a file I’d had waiting for her for almost a year. It contained deeds to her Grandmother’s house, and all the necessary legal documentation that was needed for the exchange to go as smooth as possible, all was needed was her signature. I’d had it sitting in wait, unsure of what I was going to do with it. At first, I had wanted to simply give it to her on her return; I had in truth, built up various scenarios in my head in which she would return – to me. Of course they didn’t happen, and of course Bill was the bump in the road preventing such smoothness, showing up before me, with his sonnets of bullshit and empty promises he never intended to keep. I on the other hand had been as honest with Sookie as I could allow, without endangering us both, and I was the one that she vilified the most. I pondered again on something off handed Ginger had said once, ‘you always hurt the ones you love’, and in truth had I been a weaker vampire, her irrational ‘hate’ might have hurt, but I was not weak, in any sense. Even at my perceived ‘weakest’ – alone, lost, and memory less, I was still a better vampire than most.
“Ginger.” I said calmly, knowing she’d be close.
“Hi,” she said poking her head around the door, “what can I –“
“Bring in the donors for Tara, will you? We’re going to attempt a feeding.” I said, rising to my feet to go back to the basement. I’d spent my nights between the two places now, trying as hard as I could to put out the fires before they spread – so to speak. The Authority was on my ass, and I was trying to cover Pam’s, and now, I suppose Tara’s too. Though neither of them made it easy, because Tara was not the right match for Pam. I had wanted Pam to turn someone we had both approved of, and making a vampire was a serious commitment. Forever really meant forever in our case, and it wasn’t something most of us did lightly. And yet, when Sookie begged, I could do nothing but give her what she was so desperately pleading for.
I felt her distress, her fear, her adrenaline all from where I stood in Bill’s home. I knew he felt it too, I also knew Pam was nearby. Bill and I rushed to Sookie’s home expecting to see what we saw – a tragedy. The house was messed, dark, and covered in spattered blood – the smell overwhelming. I knew it wasn’t Sookie’s, but I smelt two different kinds and that worried me. Upon seeing what had happened I was relieved that Sookie was alive. I recognized the were bitch from Russell’s mansion via her sent, it wasn’t by her looks because her face had been blown off my Sookie’s hands on the gun that laid by her side. Then there was Sookie, cradling her best friend in her arms, as she lay there dying. She begged and begged over and over for one of us to ‘do something’ to give her our blood, to do ‘whatever we had to’ to save her friend. I felt compelled to turn Tara myself, but then Pam crossed the threshold, and I knew that she had to be the one to do it. It was her time, after all. So I did what Sookie asked, what Bill would not, what Pam was unsure of, I took charge and I compelled my child to make one of our own, all for Sookie. I shook my head at my own recklessness, if Godric could see me now I was sure there would be a stern look and some words of wisdom on how I was letting down my true nature by giving into my weaker side for a human girl, part Fae or no. And honestly in that moment, I probably would have agreed with him. I had given her my heart, a thing I once thought I was incapable of doing, never mind for some partly human girl with no idea what her own heart desired, but I had pledged my love to her, and she had metaphorically stamped all over it, though the ache, it felt real. When I looked at her with those big brown eyes, it felt very real. I attempted to school my emotions once more, unwilling to give in to the urge I felt of just taking her in my arms and flying off, leaving everyone else behind, seeking solace and happiness for a time, like we had in her home for such a short period. But, I knew that to be impossible, you could never run away from this world, not really, so I would do what I’d always done. Face the fight, and stay to the end.
The night was long, and difficult, once again Tara refused to feed, even though we could all feel her hunger, and so Pam did what she had to do. She used her influence on her child and compelled her to feed – slowly- afterward she was to be chained, if anything just to stop her from heading to the roof just before sunrise, again.
I hated dreams, in general all my life I was never one to have what Gran called ‘sweet dreams’, mine were almost always horrible. Dreams of my parents, drowning. Dreams of Uncle Bartlett finding me, and what he’d do to me if he did when I’d hide from him. Dreams of kids mocking me at school, and then as I got older, dreams in which serial killers were attacking me, and then vampires. Always vampires, up inside my brain, first Bill, and now Eric and sometimes both at once which was equally as weird. I knew partly it was the influence of the blood, I’d gathered that much sense since I’d gotten involved in that whole world, but part of me always wondered if Bill was telling the truth about the dreams, since he’d lied about so many other things, I had to question everything now. I wondered if they shared my feelings, or knew what I was dreaming of, I wondered did vampires ever truly dream themselves? Regardless, that night it wasn’t of vampires I dreamt, at least not at first. I dreamt of that night, again. The night in which I murdered a woman in what I was still trying to fool myself into thinking that it was self-defence, and in the same night watch my best friend as she was turned vampire. The same thing happened again, slowly, silently I re-watched the events of Debbie’s death, and Tara’s shooting; as I watched myself from afar, scream out of sheer helplessness as I was unable to do anything to fix any of what had just happened. The three vampires came through the door one after the other, each looking as stunned as the other. Their fangs were out, not surprising considering the bloodbath they’d walked into, it was practically a McDonald’s for vampires!
“Eric, please, please I’m beggin’ you just save her please.” I looked to him first, not sure why my mind went there, but it did. I trusted him more now, I guessed. But he looked pained, and as he glanced from me to Pam I saw that pain in his eyes deepen when Bill stepped in.
“There is still a pulse, it’s very weak, Sookie, but she is still alive.”
“But she won’t last long.” Eric, ever the pragmatist, spoke out then, “If you’re going to do something now, do it.” He said to Bill, but Bill took a step back and my heart sank.
“I cannot.” He shook his head, “I already have Jessica, and one child, especially one so young is more than enough for now. You do it.” Was he really playing pass the parcel with my friend?! I was raging with anger.
Eric looked to Pam, as if the two were silently communicating with each other, she didn’t look happy, not at all, but she sank to her knees, and turned Tara to face her, biting into her own wrist, and dripping some of her blood into Tara’s mouth ensuring she’d grow stronger. I recognized the gesture from when I did the same for Eric, when he burned in the sun with Russell in order to try and save us all. After a few drops, I noticed the blood start to dry up from her head, and then Pam did it, she bit into Tara’s skin and drained her human blood whilst simultaneously feeding her, her vampire blood. Eric, Bill and I just looked on, in awe, in fear, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling other than hope that she’d survive, somehow. Then things get blurry, and I remember Eric looking to Debbie’s limp, lifeless body, and wordlessly leaving the house only to return seconds later with a large sheet of heavy plastic wrap. Pam lifted Tara and left just as silently, and Bill made a call on his phone, all as I sat there unmoved from where I had previously sat cradling my dead friend. I felt so lost, so out of it, and so completely terrified that I knew I’d never felt that level of fear before, even considering all I’d been through. I woke up in a cold sweat much like the previous nights, I checked the clock and it was just after nine am, so at least my sleep was lasting longer even if it felt like I’d just closed my eyes seconds ago.
I spent most of my day cleaning, even though thanks to the phone call Bill made the house was spotless in minutes thanks to his ninja team of vamp domestics, I still saw the taint of what I’d done all over my house. I’d killed a woman, and I could tell others it was self-defence, I could tell myself that too, but I knew it wasn’t. There was that split second, a millisecond of time where I had the choice. I could have chosen to let her go, let her live, let her get one last chance to turn around and leave. But I didn’t, I chose to kill her, I chose to end her life to save the possibility of her coming back for mine. I felt sick, not just that I’d done it, but in the moment, that moment that I had denied even thinking about, when a surge of pleasure ran through me when I knew I’d done it.
That was the scariest part of all.
I’d enjoyed it, a little.
Me – the girl who used to be repulsed at the idea of anyone even punching anyone else, had enjoyed the thrill, the control, the result of blowing Debbie Pelt’s brains all over my kitchen wall.
What the hell was happening to me?!