New chapter time! I wrote this in record time for me, less than an hour, which was surprising since I’m working on co-writing with @Seastarr08, my hands are clearly glued to this thing lately! Hope you enjoy and hit the little button of lurrrve!
Three texts and two voice mails and still no reply. Not that I blamed him of course. Once my mind filled panic cleared and I realized what an asshole I had been, I didn’t blame him at all if he never spoke to me again.
“He’s not picking up, clearly, he hates me. Why am I so fucking bad at this, Pam?”
“It’s your thing, some people can’t do laundry, or cook, or run multimillion dollar corporations, and some people fail at relationships.”
“I make a good friend, most of the time, why is the girlfriend thing so hard? Why can’t I just let him in? I want to!”
“So, then, tell him that. Stop telling me, I already know this, tell the guy that it’ll mean the most to.”
“I’m not really sure I can… since he won’t talk to me an all.”
“Do you live on Mars? Go the fuck over there.”
“It’s after eleven, I can’t just -”
“You’ve shown up at his place before, why would this be any different?” She reasoned.
“Well, what if he’s not in?”
“You leave a damn note. I don’t know, Sookie. You want to make things right with him?”
“Of course I do!”
“Then do whatever it takes. If he means so much to you, and I think he does, no matter how you try and act cool about it – Eric is the first guy you’ve even begun to trust in I don’t know how long. So, lay it all out there and make him forgive you.”
“What if he can’t? It was a pretty shitty thing, that I did. Shutting him out like that? Just, ignoring him like that because I was so preoccupied and scared… God I can’t believe how shitty I behaved. My mother would be so ashamed of me…” I admitted.
“So then make her proud and insert some girl power into this situation, and not some whiny bitch power.”
“Come on now, you are acting like a whiny bitch and you always told me to tell you -”
“If I was doing that…” I sighed, she was right. I looked out to the vast city before me and realized that all of this meant nothing if I didn’t have someone special to me to share it with. Eric was that someone, or at least, I wanted him to be. I just needed to learn how to share, how to be part of a couple again, I needed to trust him. When I hung up the phone from Pam, I changed Tina’s milk, and my clothes. Opting for yoga pants and my navy zip up hoodie. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, and I got front desk to order me a cab.
Forty-five minutes later, I was outside his apartment building more anxious than I remembered being since before those damn phone calls. I text him again from the cab on the way over, asking if he was home. If he was home he was sulking because he hadn’t picked up the phone when I left the voice mails, but I tried not to take it to heart. I deserved the silent treatment, I just hoped he wasn’t going to ignore me and leave me standing in his hallway, or worse still, the street.
I hit his buzzer, and waited for a response.
A few seconds later, I got one.
“It’s Sookie, can you… can you let me in?”
He sighed, but hit the button to open the door anyway.
When I got to the apartment door, it was ajar, fun, he wasn’t even going to let me in himself. The place was quiet, as I suspected it would be at that time of night, he had his iPod on the dock with the music playing low in the background. He was sitting on the couch, feet up, reading a book when I got there. Otherwise known as ignoring me.
“Hi?” I ventured.
“Mmm.” He mumbled, not really looking up at all as I took my seat on the armchair across from him.
I wanted to clear the air with him, but I wasn’t about to humiliate myself to do so, I was never that girl. I was sorry, however, and he needed to know that.
“Eric, I… Where’s Em’?”
“At Amelia’s, they’re having a sleepover.”
“Oh… well, good. That’s good. We can talk then.”
“Oh can we now?” He snapped, still not looking up from his damn book.
“I fucked up, okay? I seriously fucked up.”
He nodded silently, still reading, or faking to read just to piss me off.
“This whole… thing. It’s not easy for me, Eric. I don’t…do this well. I never have. Why do you think my Grandmother had to resort to blackmail in the first place in order for me to access this part of my life, I suck at this. I really suck at relationships. I always have, it’s like there’s this glass wall…” I stood up and began to pace, anything to stop myself from tearing up. “There’s this wall, and it’s like I can see the other side, I can see where I want to go. I see you, and Em’ and me, and we’re making this thing work and we’re happy and we’re chugging along, I can see it. But, it’s like I can’t reach it. I can’t do the things that normal people do so easily to get to that place and stay there.”
With that he finally looked at me. He was expressionless however.
“I know I fucked up by shutting you out, and the worse thing is, I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was done. And, even then I was like ‘well, what do I do now? How do I fix this?’. It’s like I’m relationship-stupid. It’s like a part of my logical brain, just shuts down, and everything personal that matters to me falls away.”
“It was really shitty, Sookie. You mentioned that glass wall? That’s the wall you put up to keep people out, you did it to me, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I know this is difficult for you, fuck, you think it’s been easy for me?”
I blinked, sitting back down.
“It hasn’t been easy for me either you know, letting you in? Letting anyone into Emily’s life, or mine, that might just up sticks and fuck right off at any point. I didn’t want her getting attached, fuck it… I didn’t want ME getting attached. And somehow you got in there, and I let you, even with that ridiculous contract and that whole farce… I still went along with it because I saw something in you that I really liked. Then you go and you -”
“Go and shut you out. I know. I’m so sorry I did that. I don’t WANT to do that… and if you stop looking at me like I kicked a basket of puppies, it might be easier to tell you that.” It really was disconcerting how he looked so sad and childlike in that moment, he looked like Emily, it was in the sad eyes. His eyes were one of his best features, but sometimes they looked like the saddest eyes in the world, little blue pools of sorrow.
“It hurt.” He stated, plain and simple, leaving his book aside and sitting up straight.
“I know…” I approached, softly. “And, for doing that I am sorry and I want you to forgive me for it. Please.”
Pride swallowed, and I wanted on tenterhooks for him to respond. I looked at him internally debating on whether or not I deserved his forgiveness, it was torture.
“Sookie, I don’t know…”
My heart dropped.
“I just… things are fucked up. The way we started this whole mess is fucked up, and everything happened so fast and under the guise of something else… that to be honest I’m not really sure what’s real anymore. I think, if we’d been real, then you would have thought or cared to tell me what was going on with you, and you didn’t. And, that’s… not how relationships are meant to go.”
He was breaking up with me, wasn’t he?
“Oh, I see…” That made me stand from my seat next to him on the couch, it made me back away to my chair again, something that didn’t go unnoticed.
“I get it, it’s fine…”
“SEE! THIS is what I’m talking about! Jesus!” With that he got out and stormed into the kitchen.
“What? What are you talking about!” I followed him, just as irate now too.
“THIS. Sookie, fucking fight for us if it’s what you want. You fight for everything else in your life, your job, your friends, your dreams but I say that I’m doubting us too and your first reaction is to just give up? What does that say about you in this thing right now? It tells me you couldn’t give less of a fuck!”
“That’s not true! I give fucks! I give lots of fucks about us okay?! God! I just don’t DO this well, or half well, or anywhere near well at all! I don’t know how to let you in without getting hurt again okay?!”
“I’m not Ralph! I’m not going to cheat on you and break your heart!”
“How do you know that?! I never thought he would either and look what the fuck happened there! He fucked my cousin and every family holiday I have to be reminded of the fact that I was the stupid girl that didn’t see what was right in front of me! You can’t know where the future is going to go, Eric.”
“No, you can’t. No one can, not even those shady bitches that read fortune. But you can know who you are as a person, Sookie, and I’m not a cheating kind of guy. I’m just not. Not on tests, not with women, not even in line for something that’s taking forever. I just don’t see the point. I’m rational, and logical and if I don’t want to do something or be with someone I SAY so.”
“And you don’t want to be with me, is that what you’re getting at?!” I sniffled, hating myself for the dam beginning to break.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You may as well have said that. And that’s fine, I’m not that girl, Eric. I’m not that girl that’s going to guilt you into staying with me. You say that if you don’t want to be with someone you tell them, well, if someone doesn’t want to be with me, I’m sure as hell not going to beg them to stay.” I wanted to storm out of the kitchen, but he wouldn’t let me, grabbing my arm gently to tug me back.
“I didn’t say that, Sookie.” He said, quietly, a stark contrast to our previous yelling. “I just wonder if there is a place for me in your life, if there is room for me, and Emily without having to fight for that right to be those people for you. Because as it stands, Sook, it doesn’t feel like it is. And, I can’t be doing that, not just for me, but for her.”
“Look,” he continued, “I meant what I said when I said that I loved you. As crazy as this is, and as fast as everything has happened, that remains true. You’re nuts, but I do love you, and I want you in my life too, because you see, there’s this Sookie shaped hole and only you can fill it.”
The dam broke and I started to let the tears that filled my eyes fall. That was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever been told.
“If you can’t fill it, tell me now, and let’s save ourselves some more heartache, okay? But if you can…”
I kissed him. I didn’t know how else to say all I wanted to say. One of the first times in my life when words failed me, but I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be the Sookie to fill the Sookie shape, and that there was a giant Eric shape that only he could fill too, but I forgot my words, and I didn’t trust them anyway, and so, I just kissed him. And I continued to kiss him until he hoisted me up onto the cold kitchen counter, slid between my legs and we continued to do that until we had to stop for breath.
“Is that a yes?” He asked, pulling back, breathless with pink tinted cheeks, cheeks that were covered in what looked like a three day old beard. I pushed his black rimmed glasses up his nose a little, they’d slipped amidst all the kissing, and I kissed him again.
“I want to, I just need you to understand that I’m not good at this…” I whispered for fear of breaking the moment.
He nodded, sliding his hands up my legs and to my waist, holding me there.
“Patience from me, practice from you… but you have to tell me things. Don‘t shut me out when shit gets rough, okay? Try at least?”
I nodded, it was a deal I could make, I knew I had to change my ways. Relying on him, not completely but, for the little things, and allowing him to do the same with me, it couldn’t be a bad thing like I was making it out to be. It didn’t make me weak, if anything it made me part of a pretty kick ass team, which could only, I surmised, would make me stronger.
That night with him, totally alone in his apartment, where we didn’t have to censor ourselves, or our sex was freeing. Where we could just be together how we wanted to be without fear of Emily hearing us, or seeing us, it was freeing and something Eric made a note of afterward.
“You’re loud when you want to be, it’s really hot.” He said, sighing happily as we embraced to get comfortable enough to sleep. I was pretty sure my ass would be bruised by morning, since we started off in the kitchen and all but fucked our way to the bedroom, and then fucked some more. Not that I was complaining in the slightest.
“You’re pretty loud yourself there for a while! Such, romantic ways with words.” I chuckled, those words were commands, and the furthest thing from romantic and sloppy as we got, I loved it.
“You want me to be romantic?” He asked.
“Hmm. You are, thankfully not in those gross obvious ways, but you are.”
“How so?” He looked confused.
“Little things that make me smile. Like the pink cupcake when everyone else gets plain, or the extra shot of sweet cream in my coffee… or how you look at me. I like the little things.” I made a note to reciprocate a little more too. I needed to be more aware when it came to other people, it was a huge flaw, one I ignored for years while I was obsessed with my job.
“Well good, I’m glad.”
“I know this isn’t the ideal place to talk shop, but in the spirit of telling you things…”
“What is it?” He asked, tucking my hair behind my ear, moving down in the bed to get under the covers.
“I got the deal, I mean, they offered me backing for the company, for the brand.”
His eyes widened.
“It is. But…um, I have a question.”
“You know any guys good with numbers?” I smirked, hoping that he would get the context without explanation. It was one of the things on my mind from the get go, Eric working with me. But as we established, I kind of sucked at telling people what was going on upstairs, I made it a personal mission to stop that.
“Oh, yeah there’s… oh wait.”
“Yeah, oh, wait.” I nodded.
“I need a money guy, and really who better than my resident number nerd. Lovable and smart, what more could a girl ask for, right?”
“Well, you’re going to have to ask me, very, very, nicely. Boss.”
I knew just how to do that.
“Is that so?” Hm… How could I convince you to come…with me.” I drew out, shifting from where I laid, knowing just fine how I would convince him.
“There would have to be a very, generous… proposal. Miss Stackhouse. You’re a lot of work, you know?” He grinned.
“Oh, I know, but I think you can handle it.”
And with that I went to ‘work’ on him, again, it was needless to say with or without my special convincing, he was willing, apparently he liked me or something.