I feel like I’ve been neglecting you guys for a really long time, and the reason for it is primarily ‘this started out as a SVM/TB fiction blog’ and now I’m not sure what to do with it.
But I am still writing, slowly ploughing away at my own stuff while simultaneously allowing myself to fall down the rabbit hole that is Marvel fiction. I should hang my head in shame, but I shant, mostly because it’s been a great outlet of exploration in a fandom without (for the most part …) any real ship wars (at least I follow the right people and shall continue to think this is the universal truth lol) and where majority of people multiship so everyone is happy – literally on the page and off.

I am in the middle of a rather mammoth story (an OT3 that of Bucky/Peggy/Steve ahem) that I think I will end up posting here, if only to have it on my writing blog since I’m semi proud of it and if it finds an audience here that’s great, and if not, that’s okay too.

If I may, I’d like to get a little personal for a minute, because I can, right? 😉

/Cut for personal chat, death tw, general sad girl musings feel free to skip/

The past 13 months have been one of serious emotional upheaval for me, I had been dealing with new job pressures, and two men in my life instantaneously battling different forms of cancer. Caring for both of them while working 40hours a week took its toll needless to say.

My father was a young man having just turned 55 when he passed suddenly last May, and my grandfather decided less young at 95 who passed in October. It was, frankly, a messy time and building up to my father’s passing things had been looking up – way up in fact – as we were told his cancer was nearing remission only for issues with his heart to be the culprit that claimed his life suddenly. Sucks right? To be told hey, things are getting better, making plans, feeling a tiny bit less stressed …only to get that phone call, that voicemail that tells you that no, it doesn’t matter what you thought, this is how it is now.
It was devastating and to anyone that has lost a parent, I get it now. I get it. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My dad was my person, he got me, and we had a nerd bond that I just never had or have with my mother, he always had my back, always, and it’s a huge loss in so many ways that hit you in new levels every day. So, I really don’t wish it on anyone.

Coming from my father’s funeral and running straight into another handful of hours, days, weeks of caring for an elderly ailing man (with help, of course) was in a lot of ways a mistake on my part. I threw myself into not thinking about my dad and focusing on my granddad, which was my way, I guess. But, not the best way for my own mind-set, as he was very old and very ill, but still fully with it upstairs – which I have to say was almost worse? Had he been absent minded or whatever, I think it might have been easier on him in the end? Instead of being fully aware of what was happening to him – with hospice and hospital that he knew what those steps meant and he was so utterly terrified of dying, that near the end I almost wished he would forget and think he was elsewhere, for his sake and his sanity.

Witnessing it put a lot of things into perspective for me; there is no good way to die. You go fast and young and it’s devastating to those around you, you go slow and old, and it’s devastating to everyone. After he passed, even though we were all aware it was happening, it’s still a huge loss, and the family has been reeling for quite a while, within months I lost a father and a grandfather, and that’s huge as I saw the latter basically every day of my life, and the former almost every week. How do you deal with it?

God, I wish I knew.

It’s been a journey as utterly fucking cheesy as that sounds, but not a forward facing one. Some days are great you feel motivated and not at all sad, others … well you don’t change out of your PJs and the idea of seeing other people turns your stomach. It has changed me in a lot of ways, most of them negative and it’s been a process of dealing with these changes and finding a way to move forward. Writing helps, so that’s what I do. For me, for you, for fun, for the lawls, for imaginary fictional trios with super serums… it helps it’s a distraction.
So, I may start posting my stuff here, and if you’re here for it… Awesome.
L
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