After leaving Eric the night before, I’d realized my avoidance of the subject of leaving was weighing on him just as much as it was weighing on me. I wanted a life with him, I did, but I just didn’t know if I was cut out for it. What if we fell out of love? What if he found someone else? What if this, what if that? I was beginning to drive myself crazy with all the questions and the debates in my head.
How could I survive on my own? Could I go it alone? What happened if Eric and I didn’t get along on the outside?
It was crazy to even think of leaving. I knew no one really outside of him and Amelia and I couldn’t rely on them forever, could I?
I missed him the days that we couldn’t get time alone. I was distracted and busy working with Selah, which really meant she sat on her ass and talked non-stop while I had double the workload. It really was no wonder her parents stuck her in here; I can’t imagine what she would have been like raising a child.
When I got around to having a free minute, I knew I wanted to apologise to Eric. I hadn’t meant to ruin our date, not when he’d gone to so much trouble to make it perfect.
When I saw him hovering at his office door, coffee cup in hand, I knew I had to take my shot of getting some time with him before my next set of chores kicked in.
I wanted to kiss him, so I did. Or at the very least, I attempted to. I won’t lie, it stung when he pulled away from me, only to remind me of just how incredibly foolish I had acted. He was right, of course. Here I was acting like a silly little girl with a crush, in the hallway where anyone could have walked by, risking ourselves so blatantly.
By the time I was jelly-limbed and tingling, I had forgotten all about my horrible few days, and how busy my head had been. Eric was able to set my body and mind on fire with just his hands; it was exhilarating to say the least. What he was able to do to my body, it was so new and so amazingly wonderful that I could only hope I elicited the same type of feelings from within him.
He had taken me so forcefully, with such passion in his eyes, and his body, that I thought for sure we’d end up having actual sex right then and there. But while his actions were rougher than usual they weren’t unwelcome. He knew my limits it seemed, and he just about reached them.
There was a sadness in his eyes that I hated seeing. It filled me full of dread and fear. I knew he was dealing with the same choices as I was, but I would need to listen to him more. I prayed for an answer for hours in the church that night. I begged and pleaded with God, Jesus, Mary—anyone that would listen—that I was lost and needed their guidance. Only silence greeted me. I wasn’t stopped; nothing bad happened; no lightening bolts fell from the skies in search of my harlot soul… which spun my confusion even more.
I decided since God, nor my own good conscience would give me an answer or a map to find my way from the lost path I seemed to be on and off more times than I cared to count, I decided being proactive was the only action I could proceed with.
It was time.
I was pacing, and sweating, and I felt like I might vomit. My room suddenly felt far too small—like I was in Alice in Wonderland, and I’d somehow fallen down the rabbit hole.
Giving Mass that night was hell. All I saw as she was sitting there with the other Sisters were flashes of her body, her mouth on my body, and the feelings and sensations I got when I was with her. That was all I could think of, no matter how hard I tried to stop myself. I also saw Selah. She appeared gaunt and pale every time she looked in my direction and we made eye contact. I knew she knew there was something going on with Sookie that shouldn’t have been. Perhaps she didn’t know the details, but she gave me a look—one that had me panicking all over again. Then I’d look to Sookie, sitting proper, innocent, smiling up at me like I was the bee’s knees. I felt like a fraud. I didn’t belong on that altar, I didn’t deserve to be up there preaching about God, love, trust, honour. I was nothing but a hypocrite since I’d lost trust in my God. I’d dishonoured him and the love I once had for my calling—or what I foolishly thought of as a calling —had fallen by the wayside in favor of romantic love of a woman. A woman that I had a sinking feeling would never choose me first, as I would always choose her.
I paced; I poured another measure of whiskey I’d taken from Niall’s office; the radio played softly in the background and even that did little to calm my shaken nerves. I about jumped out of my skin when I heard the soft knock on my door.
Instantly my guilt multiplied ten fold, sending my guts into overdrive twists.
I opened the door and there she stood, in pink socks and white linen nightgown covering her from head-to-toe covering—her nose red from the cold air of the late night.
“I told you to leave it ajar, silly.” She walked in past me, bouncing slightly as she propped herself up on my messy bed.
“You’ve been drinking?” She looked at the quickly emptying bottle.
I ran my hand through my hair. I had to tell her Selah knew. I had to tell her of my thoughts. I had to ask her outright to pack her things and come with me. But before I got a chance to do any of that, she smiled.
“Why are you smiling?” I asked sitting down next to her.
“Give me a drink?”
“It’s whiskey neat, Sookie. I don’t know if…”
“Just a little bit then? I’m a big girl; I can handle it.”
I poured her a tiny, tiny bit. I knew she’d hate it, but she tossed back the glass like she’d been doing it for years. Then she smiled again, nudging me.
“Do you remember the last time you and I drank alcohol together?”
Of course, I did. It was the first night I kissed her.
She rested her head on my shoulder as I sat by her side. “The first night we kissed, it was my first kiss you know?”
“I know.” I nodded.
“I like the symmetry…” She mumbled.
She grinned before she stood to straddle my lap.
She kissed me slowly, tasting my lips that I’m sure tasted of the heady bitter hotness that came with the whiskey. She tasted slightly similar to what I imagined she was tasting. I took the inevitable comfort that her embrace offered me and for a few fleeting moments I forgot my worries and concentrated on her.
She stopped suddenly, pulling back and leading me towards the radio. “Dream” by The Everly brothers was playing softly in the corner.
Without saying a word, we started swaying to the song.
‘I could make you mine, taste your lips of wine…’
The lyrics someone matched with my feelings and it all got to be a little much.
Coffee plus several measures of whiskey later and I was a confused—almost drunk—idiot, so when she kissed me again, tenderly whispering that she loved me, I wanted the confusion to stop. I was pretty sure ‘love’ wasn’t meant to hurt this much. I kissed her hard and meaningfully as I backed her up against my wall, where we embraced each other till long after the song about a dreaming love was over. She wrapped her legs around me and the world floated silently into the background for a short time.
He held me gently as we swayed to the song humming softly on the radio, then we kissed and we kept on kissing until we were full on making out.
We’d been making out slowly and rather sweetly as I clung to him and he balanced me on his hips using the wall for leverage; it allowed our heights to finally even out and made kissing him comfortable and fun.
Trying to hold back what I felt for such a long time was difficult. I knew that I shouldn’t want this, I shouldn’t even be thinking of doing what I was doing, never mind actually doing it. But something in me, something bigger, didn’t care anymore. I felt like all my nerves were shooting through my body, I was breathless and I hadn’t even touched him. There was silence when I walked to him at first—his height difference more apparent than ever—but he stared me down, still silent. I reached up, trailing my hand from his chest to his neck and into his hair, tilting his face towards me before I kissed him. Once. Softly allowing my lips to slide over his, in a way testing the water to see if he’d allow this to happen. He didn’t respond at first, which made my heart stop.
Maybe he didn’t want this now?
But just as I was about to give up, he grabbed both my arms, pulling me towards him in an instant. His hands were everywhere in a second. Trailing up and down my arms, over my back pulling me towards him again, in my hair massaging my scalp all the while invading my mouth with these light airy yet somehow completely intense kisses. It seemed the bending to my height caused him discomfort so as he hoisted me on his hips, turning us to the wall for leverage I had no complaints. I was suddenly resting on his body, jammed between him and the corner wall. He covered me in a barrage of kisses; his lips moving from my mouth to my jaw line, scattering little kisses all along it as I tried in vain to catch my breath. Switching his focus to my neck, he sucked and released, licked and kissed over and over until even my toes were tingling. He ground himself into my center and I did my best to mimic his movements, and if his small escaped moans were any indication, I had been doing it right. His hands, now too busy holding me up against the wall to do anything else, allowed me to be bold with mine. Despite how scared I was of doing something wrong, I was working on instinct and so far it was paying off. I ghosted my hands along his lips, across his jaw line, and down his neck where I felt goose bumps rise on his skin. Interesting. I began to unbutton his shirt and he stopped suddenly.
“Sookie…” he whispered with a sudden sadness in his voice. “Sookie, we have to stop.”
“No we don’t.”
“Yes… We do. We have to … Before we go too far.” he whispered into my neck.
“I don’t want to stop.” I whispered back.
“What?” He pulled back to look me in the eyes. He looked confused and shocked all at once.
“I don’t want to stop.” I said deliberately and slowly, holding his face in both my hands.
“You mean you want to…?”
“You don’t want to?”
His eyes widened. “No…I want. Believe me. I want.”
I smiled then. “Good.”
“But…just know we don’t have to if you don’t…or if you’re not sure or—” He stammered.
I shut him up with a kiss, grabbing his hands to release me. Hopping back down to my usual height again was disappointing. I had a much better angle up there with him. I used it to my advantage though, gently pushing him back towards his bed. Where I got the courage or the assertiveness, I’ll never know, but he complied. Sitting, with a very confused look on his adorable face, his cheeks red and his lips swollen.
Goodness, he was beautiful.
“I’m tired of waiting, Eric…I want this with you. I have for a long while. And I know you want this too.” Arousal in men was harder, no pun intended, to conceal than it was for women, I noticed. If the obvious strain in his pants was anything to go by, he really wanted this too.
He let out a small strained breath when I began to unbutton my slip, dropping it unceremoniously at my feet. I took a deep breath; I’d done it. I was naked in front a man…and not just any man.
I felt the blush rise in my cheeks as the flight or fight response kicked in and all I wanted to do was grab my gown and cover myself up.
“You’re so beautiful…” he said, making me smile. His arms by his sides and his hands sat in his lap almost as if he was afraid to touch me.
Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one feeling the fear.
“Touch me, Eric.” I squeaked. My shaky voice failing on me, my words come out like a strained whisper.
He swallowed hard, making a ‘gulp’ sound as he did so. It was almost comical. Shouldn’t I have been more nervous than he was? He’d done this before, whereas I hadn’t.
Touch me he did when he finally placed a small kiss above my bellybutton, gently trailing his hands up to my breasts. The sensation of being touched there while naked, or at all really, was extremely new. I was trying my best not to shake, both from the cold of being without clothes, and the fear that I was experiencing of being touched so intimately. It seemed after a second or two Eric realized he had me and pulled me closer to him. Whatever moment of crisis he was experiencing had been vanquished suddenly and he was as confident as I’ve ever seen him, or in this case, felt.
“Lay down…” he said sweetly in a whisper, guiding me to lay beside him.
Touching him like this was new to me on so many levels. This wasn’t just an innocent hug or kiss that didn’t lastt long enough, like the few we shared not too long ago. Nor was it a rushed fumble in the dark. This was real and wrong and right, in so many ways. I knew I should leave, I should push him back and walk out of that room, but I couldn’t. Not only did my head not want to, my heart didn’t want to and it seemed my body didn’t either. I couldn’t move even if I tried.
His hands grabbed my face then let loose to trail down my neck, gently kneading, feeling, palming. Down my arms and up again, from my neck to my breasts, down my sides to my hips. Then he stopped and looked me dead in the eye, sighing a heavy, laboured breath.
With as much passion and ferocity as I could muster through my nerves, I kissed him again. I was shaking and I didn’t know if it was from fear, the cold, my nerves or the fact that I was, for the second time in my life—completely turned on.
It felt like my body was humming as I slid my lips to his. He opened his mouth slightly to allow me to explore, and I attentively did so again, allowing my tongue to graze his lips and meet his tongue, massaging gently before I sucked on his bottom lip, tugging him toward me.
Touching oneself is a sin, as we’re told and retold and just to make it stick, we’re told some more. One’s body must be saved for a husband and no one else. It was considered a sin to let anyone touch or share your body if there was no wedding ring, no act of faith or white dress and vows. And if those
wedding vows were replaced instead by vows to God himself? No one was to touch you, and you certainly didn’t give in to the desire for release by yourself. Abstinence and sacrifice; that was that name of the game.
But what I was allowing to happen, what I stopped then re-started with Eric in those few minutes had me questioning everything—everything and nothing, all at once.
Guilt, shame, disgust, exhilaration, arousal, breathlessness… My head was spinning as Eric ran his hands up to my tightly wound hair again. “Let me see your hair, Sookie.”
With that I let my hair down. I had to keep it in a neat braid so that it fit under my daily uniform. As I began to let it loose, I saw Eric smile.
“There’s my girl,” he whispered.
I fanned by hair out so it flowed down my back. Longer than ever, it curled slightly falling to just below my breasts. With that he kissed me again, no longer letting me take the lead or even take a moment to breathe. He gently pushed me back on his bed, allowing his body to finally come into full contact with his. Kisses fluttered from my mouth to my neck. He spent most of his time tonguing and sucking gently on my earlobe, and then he began to grind his waist to mine …and oh my…! I wasn’t entirely sure if what I was doing was right. After all I had zero—and I mean zero—experience with men. I had no idea if what I was doing was good or bad until I heard him moan into my neck.
” What? Did…Did I hurt you?” I panicked.
He mouthed a ‘no’ silently as he looked me over—kind of how I imagined a lion would its prey, right before it pounced.
“You know it’ll take a lot more than your soft body against me to hurt me.” He trailed two fingers up the outside of my leg, to my hips, to my side, to my breasts, leaving a tingling sensation of goose bumps along the left side of my body.
I reached up and slide the white collar from his black button up shirt. I popped more buttons on my way down his body, before I got to his belt.
I looked him in the eye and he nodded, giving me the permission I needed to continue my journey of shedding him of his clothes as I had shed mine.
He rolled us over so that I was underneath him then began kissing me starting with my lips, moving to my neck, exploring my chest. He took his time palming by breasts gently before replacing his fingers with his mouth.
He trailed soft kisses down my stomach where he decided to blow a raspberry onto my side. My whole body scrunched up as I started to laugh.
“Oh, I’m sorry did that tickle?” he said with a smirk.
“Eric, I can’t take responsibility for what happens when I get tickled! If I knee you in your manly regions that will not be my fault.”
He stopped instantly. Shedding his shirt that I had unbuttoned, he was left in his black tank, dress pants and open belt sliding up and down my body.
“Scoot up.” He ordered. I crawled back to the top of the bed while he straightened out the sheets and quilt so we were underneath the covers.
He slid down to my stomach again, kissing a tiny ring around my bellybutton, while I anticipated another ticking session, it never came. Instead he gently ran his four fingers on both hands up and down my body, concentrating on my breasts again. The sensation was one of tingling and warmth, my panic of being naked in front of him was slowly fading as I heard him mumbling under his breath just how beautiful he thought I was and how amazing I felt.
When his lips touched my sex, I didn’t panic or think that he might have thought it was gross. I knew he didn’t and I knew it would feel completely heavenly. He teased me at first—one finger slowly making it’s way inside me, then another and another. More so than before, he pushed a little harder on my opening and I tensed. He seemed to take this as a warning because that’s when his mouth came back into play.
I fought the urge to slam my legs together as he worked his hands and mouth together whipping me into a panting mess on his bed. Before I knew it, he was mimicking his moves that he’d used earlier in the day to bring me right over the edge, only this time it was harder and faster than before. And just like that, I felt that little explosion inside me again; the one that I loved, the one that built it’s way from my tip toes to the ends of my hair.
She was already very hot and wet, and I licked her deliberately and purposely trying my best to arouse and prepare her body. As I massaged her entrance with my finger, I paused to slide it in slowly, and then another. I attempted a third just to see. She clenched down on my fingers so I added my mouth and she didn’t protest. In fact, she moaned loudly each time I did something I’d never tried before. I pumped and pushed my fingers in and out of her until she was panting and moaning. Feeling her get wetter and tighter as things got more intense between us was amazing. It had never felt like this with Sophie, I realized. It was never intense or special; it always felt like I was a chore to her when I was first starting out. Feeling like a chore or a job was the last thing I ever wanted Sookie to feel when she was with me. I wanted to treat her right, treat her as special as I thought she was. So in doing so, I stopped.
“Eric, what’s wrong?”
“Sookie, we can’t do this.” I said regretfully as I stopped my actions. Her breathing slowed down as I noted the shocked and confused look in her eyes.
I got up, got off the bed, readjusted my tank and pulled up my pants.
“We just can’t.”
“That’s bullshit, Eric Northman. You give me your reasons and you give them now!” She was angry, I didn’t blame her.
“You don’t deserve this.”
She stared at me.
“Damn it Sookie, you don’t! You deserve better, you deserve more.”
“More than you? Erm, have you seen you naked ’cause I have to say if you think I could handle more than that, then we need to talk about how big a womanly region you think I have exactly.”
I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t.
“You deserve your first time to be sweet and special and romantic and wonderful. You deserve it to be with your husband like I know you wanted, as a wife, officially and properly under the eyes of God.”
She tucked the sheet over her body, no doubt feeling the chill in my room. She grabbed my hand and yanked me to sit on the bed.
“Is that why you’re freaking out on me?”
I nodded. That, and other things.
“Well, you can just stop right now. Eric, I resolved the fact that I wouldn’t get married a long time ago, but did I expect to fall in love in this place? No, I really didn’t. The fact is, I did. And I love you. I’m so, so scared right now because this is a huge deal, but I trust you and I know you want this too. So there, I want my first time to be with you. You and only you. You got that?”
“I don’t want you to be scared.”
“I can go slow and maybe it won’t.”
She raised her brows as if thinking to herself. “No, I’ve seen you. That thing is going to hurt. In fact, I’m pretty sure it might not fit.”
I burst out laughing.
“Don’t Sookie me, I’m a tiny woman that … That is not exactly what I was expecting.”
“What were you expecting?”
She blushed, picking imaginary lint off the sheet. “Idon’tknow.” She said in a rushed mumble. “I’m just scared, and I need my best friend. But if you don’t want me, or you don’t want to do this right now then I’ll go and we’ll not talk about it again.”
“I don’t want you to go, I don’t want to not do this with you. Believe me, for a long ass time I’ve been wanting to do this with you.”
“Shush you.” I swatted her hair playfully.
“So what do you want, Eric?”
“I want… God, I want things to not be this complicated. I want to love you and not feel bad about the fact that I do…”
“I know. But those things … They can’t be helped.”
“They could, if you’d leave with—” she put her fingers over my mouth, shushing me and in the process the sheet falling to her waist.
God, she was beautiful.
“Eric, right now I only have one question and I need one answer.”
“Do you want to make love to me tonight?”
I closed my eyes as I nodded a yes to her.
“So then, what’s stopping you?”
I looked at the beautiful woman sitting in front of me. I loved her and she needed me. It was or it should have been, as simple as that. Why would I deny her that just because I got a case of the doubts a little too late? If I was going to feel guilty about this, it should have hit me this strongly the minute I even thought about kissing her, never mind anything else that I had imagined in the weeks, or the years that I’d been here.
I kissed her with all the love and all the passion and all the fear that I was feeling, and I felt that she reciprocated in kind. I let her yank open my belt and unbutton my pants, before I stood up and took over, shedding them and my underwear completely. I tugged off my tank top, leaving me fully naked and fully aroused.
She opened the blankets again, welcoming me inside where her body and her body heat welcomed me.
We kissed side by side for a long time before he got bold and touched me again, and when he did I was more than ready for him.
Or so I thought.
He shifted on top of me, his obvious erection pressing into my stomach as we continued to kiss each other breathless. His hand slipped into my sex again, as if to check if I was wet enough for him to continue.
“Please…” I moaned as he teased me from inside out.
He kissed me hard as he adjusted himself above me, before sliding himself closer to me, slipping the tip of himself at my entrance. He looked at me, as if to ask again. Shaking and scared but also head spinning with arousal I nodded back. And that’s when he pushed a little further.
I winced and tried my best not to clench, but Christ, that shit hurt!
“Go slow, okay?”
He nodded, kissing my neck softly. He pushed again and I couldn’t help but let out a small wail.
“You want me to stop?”
I panted trying to ignore the sharp pain that was travelling inside me.
“N-no. It’s fine, I think… Just keep going.”
He pulled out again and pushed in a little further. I felt something inside me shift and then I felt it when he pulled back out again.
I was bleeding.
“Oh God, Sookie, seriously I’ll stop if it’s—”
“No, I think this is meant to happen.” I wasn’t sure but somehow it made sense. “It’ll pass.”
So we kissed again and then he slid back inside me. This time it didn’t pinch as it once had; it helped that he used his fingers to tease me as well. He wrapped my legs around his waist allowing him to sink further inside me. It hurt for a minute but he kept to his word and moved as slowly as I’m sure he could. His size, and not just of what was buried inside me, but his entire being was intimidating and I knew he was tense. He was scared of hurting me, and as sweet as that was I was sure that it wasn’t fun for him to have to hold back as much as I knew he was.
I was uncomfortable. I couldn’t get into it at all. While the pain had thankfully subsided, I was still not seeing what the big deal about this was. Sure it felt kind of … nice but it was more what he was doing with his fingers that was making me pant.
He must have felt my hesitation and confusion because he reached under my back, and slid his hands to my butt. He yanked me up and onto his knees so that I was sitting upright and so was he. That’s when it changed.
Gripping me by the hips, he was able to hold onto me as he pushed and I pulled and we suddenly were able to find a synced movement with our hips, creating a friction that I hadn’t felt before.
“Oh… oh my God.” I moaned, trying my best to keep the decibels down, just in case anyone might hear us.
“Better?” Eric smiled looking me in the eye as his pace picked up. I, on the other hand, could do little else than cling to his neck while concentrating on the thrust of his hips meeting mine. I could feel something building inside me so I clawed Eric even closer to me forcing him to look me in the eye. I panted harder and harder trying to catch my breath that he was in all honesty just fucking right out of me.
Words, how did words work again?
Nothing came out of my mouth, except moans that I was trying so hard to repress but failed.
He pinched my nub and I clamped down on him. Just as I did, I felt the orgasm rush through me. I screamed at the sensations, try as I might to muffled them by almost biting down on his shoulder, the noise still echoed.
Instead of slowing down, Eric began to thrust harder and faster, until my legs couldn’t hold around his waist anymore. He grinned as he lowered us down onto the bed again, this time thrusting once more before growling into my neck, biting me, provoking both pain and pleasure all at once. Then I felt something warm and … oh.
I felt his hot breath on my neck again as I learned to focus on the rest of my body and its sensations again.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, and then it happened. I couldn’t help it, but I burst out crying.
“Hey, hey, Sookie, what’s wrong?”
I didn’t know what was wrong.
“Nothing, nothing’s wrong, I promise.”
“Did I hurt you again? God, was I too rough? Shit, I knew it. I was too rough on you, wasn’t I? It’s just sometimes I forget that I’m this big guy and I weigh so much and I’m stronger than you and—”
“You didn’t hurt me, you were very sweet.”
He shifted to roll off me and in doing so made me wince again. I wasn’t expecting to feel so empty upon his absence.
He stroked my face for a second but then moved to get out of bed. He pulled on his underwear much to my confusion, and opened his bedroom door.
He walked out, coming back a second later with a towel, part of which was dampened with warm water. He very sweetly proceeded to kiss me on the nose before he pulled back the blankets to softly wash my body with his towel, that’s when I saw the stains of blood on the sheets.
“Oh Eric, I’m so sorry, I’ve ruined your sheets.” I blushed embarrassed at such a thing happening, despite warnings from Amelia that this might happen, although it didn’t happen to her. I was thankful for our talk, because had I walked in blind, the sight of the blood would have had me running for the hills.
“Don’t say sorry for something that wasn’t in your control. They’re just sheets, they can be washed.” He kissed me again then, sweetly on the lips as he cleaned himself up before crawling in bed beside me again.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again, tucking my hair behind my ear. I knew he was afraid for me.
“I am. I’m a little sore I won’t lie, but I think that’s because I’ve never done this before. It hurt like hell at first.”
“But then, I don’t know, I got used to it and it started to feel good… Then it started to feel really good.”
He pulled me close. I felt that his heart was still jack hammering inside his chest as I snuggled against him.
“Are you okay?” I asked him while I absently stroked his chest.
“Sleepy is what I am. You wore me out woman.”
“I know that’s not true. I know it wasn’t maybe as … good as you might have been expecting.”
“Hey, don’t talk like that. It was beautiful being with you, seeing you so … mine.” He stroked my cheek lovingly as his eyes told me he was telling the truth.
“Mine, huh? Possessive much, Eric?”
“Are you not mine?” He asked, though it sounded more rhetorical than anything.
“You know I am.” I whispered.
“So stop arguing and be mine.” he laughed.
“But that means…” I moved, still a little sore, but not caring, as I straddled his waist. “If I’m yours, you’re mine.”
He looked me in the eyes again. As intense as those icy blues were, I saw love in them, I saw trust.
“Are you mine, Eric?” I challenged.
“Always was, always will be. Always yours…” he said before he dived in for another kiss.
Despite the domino effect of pain that it caused, I would never take back that night for him, not for all the world.